I remember during the Covid-19 lockdown that I was surprisingly happy. I thought it was solely due to my misanthropic streak or that I was far more shy than I realized. However, after experiencing a couple of years of post-lockdown life (more so because Oklahoma was one of the defiantly anti-science states), I think my understanding of myself has grown and I now know why I felt so much better during Covid than I do now.

For years I have believed that I fully understood my psyche. But for as long as I was certain I knew myself best, I was also firm and vocal in my stance that I was introverted but not shy — and I think I’ve been wrong all this time. I don’t like being seen.

“The fear of being perceived” explains much of my anxiety about so many elements of social interaction. I thought I was introverted, but I can throw aside all inhibitions when playing a character in front of others. When I’m online and hidden from a camera, I feel witty and energized. I don’t feel held back by my physicality like I do when I have to stand in front of someone and look at them in the eyes.

Articles about this have floated on the internet for years now without my knowledge, so this new revelation for me might be old for everyone else.

I don’t know what to do with this knowledge, though. I’ve battled with feeling isolated online because I’ve long felt that in-person relationships were superior. I don’t know if that is something that I feel or if that’s something that someone else has put in my head through years of pro-extroversion indoctrination. After considering that perhaps it might not be a moral wrong to be the way I am nor that being extroverted is a virtue, I think I at least take comfort in potentially knowing more why I feel the way I do.